By the time you read this, I’ll be gone…
No.
I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Christ. Absolutely not.
Life has other plans for me.
Oooooh. This holds promise.
And that’s how it started.
Over the years, I’ve written plenty of words for others. There have been marketing pieces, product testimonials, and blogs. I’ve transcribed speeches, put together “the fine print,” and conducted interviews. Utter monotony.
It wasn’t until I received a request to write someone else’s suicide note that I found my calling.
The proper thing would be to turn it down. It was unethical. I knew I should report the individual to the authorities immediately.
But, I didn’t.
The feedback from the client was fantastic. He was thrilled with the job I’d done. He knew it would strike just the right chord with his wife. It would allow her time to grieve, but offered her enough hope to understand that life would continue without him, and it would be OK.
Obviously, I didn’t ask for a letter of reference. That would have been in poor taste. Turned out it didn’t even matter. I got another request for a suicide note, and then another. Over the span of less than a year, I’d written half a dozen.
Each time I finished a draft, a heady rush would hit me. Shame first, because I knew my words were likely going to cause a lot of pain, but also, I don’t know - pride?
I was good at what I did.
Every note included the same sentence. I stole it from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid because it was too perfect to only be used once.
“Oh, good. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble.”
Did it always make sense? No. But who doesn’t love an outlaw?
It was my way of offering the deceased a connection to one another. I felt like it would make them feel less alone. It was a nice touch.
Sitting on my couch this morning, I was sipping my coffee and scrolling through social media on my phone. The TV was on as background noise. Politics, crime, weather. Blah, blah, bl…
“...each letter included the following line: ‘Oh, good. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble.’” All six deaths - different people, different states, seemingly no connection to one another - they all had this quote included in their suicide note. Based on the timing, investigators believe another murder will happen within the next week. Stay alert.”
My phone buzzed and I looked down. A request from a new client. Grinning, I got up, put the cowboy hat on my head, and sauntered into my office.
I am good at what I do.
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