I’ve never been a small girl. Never had a small voice, small belly, small personality. Not once have I been accused of having small ideas. I don’t take small bites. I don’t have small breasts. I will never be a small girl.
I had gone to casting call after casting call once I’d moved to Hollywood. I knew my place. I could be the dowdy mom, the goofy sidekick, or the “before” image of a character.
It’s ironic, isn’t it, that some of the largest people get the smallest parts?
A large person with a small character has to try to make themselves smaller. I learned that when I did my first cereal commercial.
“Gina, cool it on the facial expressions. You’re drawing focus from Dan.”
“Gina, if you could just move a little bit more behind Steve so that you’re not taking up too much of the shot.”
I had no lines. I said nothing and yet, I was still, somehow, too big for the role.
I’ve done Jenny Craig, WW, the cabbage soup diet, the South Beach diet, the Keto diet, Atkins, the particularly weird one involving lemon water and cayenne pepper - I’ve eaten more Lean Cuisines that I’d ever care to admit to. I’ve weighed myself everyday. Tracked my steps. Tracked my food. Tracked my water. Downloaded ALL the apps.
I’ve also railed against diet culture. I’ve used the word “fat” as an adjective and dared people with my angry eyes to perceive it as an insult. I’ve followed body-positive Instagram accounts. I’ve marched into plus-sized stores with confidence. I’ve referred to my stretch marks as tiger stripes. I’ve worn tight-fitting clothes just to prove that I could and to give the impression I knew I was hot like Lizzo.
I am not hot like Lizzo.I’m also not young like Lizzo. Can’t play flute like Lizzo. Don’t have a cool name like Lizzo.
I’m just me. I’m Gina. A big girl who can’t be a small girl. I will never be a small girl.
But please, hire me, anyway.
©2020 by Kat Atwell. All rights reserved.